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Circles and Stars

Two themes that seem to come up again and again in my head: Going in circles, and changing my stars. I keep doing the first in an attempt to accomplish the second.

Last night this blog, which hasn’t seen an update in over two years, received several dozen spam comments. In bulk deleting them, I found myself skimming a few of the old posts just to see who I used to be. Interestingly enough, in some ways I haven’t changed much at all and in other ways I’ve changed immensely. I can’t really tell anymore if I’m going in circles, but what I find myself wondering is if I’m happy with myself or if I wish I were somewhere else, someone else.

The new year is coming, and though I’ve been really bad at keeping a blog.. and though nobody is reading this.. it might be time to start again.

.. Especially since the only other thing I’m doing this week is playing WoW again. 🙂

 

So we’ll see what happens. Meantime? Happy New Year. To…new beginnings. To.. breaking out of circles, and perhaps finally, actually changing my stars. 🙂

 

 

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Going in Circles

I’m picking this up again.

Here I am again.

Hello, my name is Jennie. Today is June 5, and in slightly more than six weeks I will be 30 years old.

30. The big three-zero. This is the point where most people stop, gasp, and throw their hands up exclaiming, “I’m not where I thought I’d be!”

I’ve been trying for some time not to be one of these people. Not to be another statistic. Not to be another person who had unfulfilled dreams. But lately, I’ve been going in circles and really not accomplishing much of anything to speak of.

I made it 23 days into a 90 day challenge, then that fell to the wayside.

Everything seems to fall to the wayside with me. Unfortunately, this often means letting important dreams and aspirations go.

This has to stop.

I’m going to be 30. 30 years on this planet. Let’s make the next one count.

I’ll tell you something, readers, (I know nobody is reading :P) on Friday it’ll be six weeks until my birthday and I’ve decided to do a 6-week countdown, and really make some changes in my life. It’s just six weeks. I can freaking do it.

 

 

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Day Twenty-Three: Missing Time

On day eight, give or take, I stopped taking Cymbalta cold turkey. The past couple of weeks have been a little blurry. One thing that I do know is that I haven’t felt like writing. I haven’t felt like talking, or sharing, or communicating in any real way. I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess, a bit of a physical mess, and really just struggling to find a way to move forward.

Today, twenty three days into my project, I can really only give bullet points about what I’ve been up to. Nobody is reading, so it’s entirely OK. Nobody has missed me. =)

  • I’ve been making jewelry here and there. I’ve fallen out of the practice of making something every day, it only lasted about 3 days. That’s generally how things go with me. I try really hard but fail after a few days.
  • I’ve also been trying to get through p90x every day. Yesterday’s workout was particularly hard, and I’m really feeling it across my arms and chest today. I suppose that’s a good sign. A sign that I am helping my body get more healthy.
  • I am still Cymbalta-free, and I have also quit several other meds over the past couple of weeks. None of them had nearly the same impact, they were mainly for things like heartburn and nausea. But they weren’t really helping anymore, or the symptoms that caused me to need them were lessened, and so I stopped taking them. I have cut my daily medicine use down from eight pills + insulin + tylenol down to two pills + insulin + tylenol. Not bad, not bad at all.
  • I’m behind in my school work and my regular work. I’ve been at a sort of constant-behind state for weeks now. I’ll get almost caught up, then fall behind again. Things like bills and grades are definitely going to begin to suffer if I do not get my ass in gear. I think I’ll print out another colorful todo list and try again. *soft sigh*

For now I’ve run out of things to say. Perhaps a happier update will come later, perhaps not.

 

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Day Seventeen: The Need to Scream, World of Warcraft and Creative Streaks

Some days, I just really need to scream. To effing scream. There’s no place to do it here, so I just bottle it up inside and try so, so very hard not to let anyone know how much it hurts. But sometimes I get a little too overwhelmed, it builds up a little too much, and I break down just a little, and I yell at someone, or say a bad word, or give some other indicator that I’m troubled.

And nine times out of ten? It falls on deaf ears. Completely. Because perhaps the problem with anxiety disorders and depression is that the reason you snap is never the actual reason you’re hurting.

I just snapped at person and he has no idea why. No, of course not, because I snapped at him over something completely innocuous. He invited me to the computer room to play WoW, and I find myself logged in successfully for the first time in days, weeks? And not five minutes later, he leaves the room without warning, without word. And I sit there confused. Saddened. So after a few moments I just shrug and get up and go back to what I’m doing, homework and laptop and all those things.

But then he’s upset at me, apparently I was supposed to know he wanted me to call him back over if our battleground popped.

But he didn’t say this, or anything else actually, he just walked away, busied himself with other things. Left me there confused.

Shrug.

So I snapped at him, yelled, told him I was cancelling my WoW subscription.

I’m going to take a break from paying $16 a month for a game I haven’t been playing, because the Internet hasn’t been cooperating with my ability to play for weeks, and I’ve been too busy to play anyway.. and I just don’t know what I’m paying for anymore. I don’t really have $16 to throw at a game I’m getting no pleasure out of playing anymore. I can put my sub on hold and pick it up again later. Maybe in the summer, which is when I believe the new expansion drops. Warlords of Draenor. Mmmm.

The other day Person made a comment about how I was bored of WoW, and I’m not. I’m really not. It’s just, when the Internet on the computer you’re using is so erratic you can’t play with other people without lagging out, when you’re really only good for grinding professions, and just barely at that.. It’s really not enjoyable anymore.

And any time anything causes me to cry, it’s time to step back and re-evaluate.

So, break time from World of Warcraft. I cannot believe I’m saying that. A year ago, WoW was my way to deal with anxiety and pain. Whenever I was feeling miserable I’d disappear into WoW and not stress about things so much. Now I think it’s exacerbating my pain and anxiety and stress instead. So that’s that.

In other, completely unrelated news, I accomplished a few things today.

  1. I did my first weekly weigh in. Person, A, D and I are doing a weight loss challenge thing. We started a week ago and weighed in this morning. Person lost 3lbs, and the other three of us lost between 1.4lbs and 1.9lbs each. It’s a start.
  2. I finished an epic ton of homework today, including several quizzes in Cost Accounting which I scored 100% on. This pleases me. Now I am working on a big income tax final project thing, which involves doing the complete comprehensive tax return for an imaginary person.
  3. I completed a p90x workout this morning with Person, and I pushed myself harder than I had before. I really hurt after, I felt like I was going to throw up. I hope it will get easier for me, but I’m going to keep pushing myself harder.
  4. I made another pair of earrings. They look like this:
Midnight Earrings

Midnight Earrings

Now I am going to buckle down and attempt to make some money. ^.^

 

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Day Sixteen: Spam Amusement

I’m averaging about eight spam comments per day on my blog. Most of them are utterly ridiculous, but then I get the occasional comment which makes me laugh. It’s written intelligibly, as if the writer actually read my blog, but the link is clearly commercial, spammy, the e-mail address is fake. Le-sigh.

And there’s a part of me that wants to post them, because they actually are nicely written, friendly comments. Some of them cheer me on for writing and encourage me to keep writing. I mean, don’t get me know, I know it’s just bullshit spam trying to pass for real commenting, but I’d like to at least -pretend- someone is reading and hopes I continue to write.

*Laugh*

I don’t even know what I’m saying. I write this blog for me. This is my place on the web, my little corner. I do not care who else reads. I’ve never received a legitimate comment and I may never receive one. That’s OK.

Spam still amuses me beyond words.

(Though I’m being pretty wordy for feeling speechless.)

 

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Day Fourteen: Aside from Pi, I have nothing to say.

Today is Pi day. I only know Pi to 3.141592653 .. And that’s it.

It’s also “Steak and a Blowjob Day” which I always found an amusing idea.

My person, the kiddo and I spent most of the day together today. We went down to Schenectady so I could request a replacement SS card, something I’ve been trying to get done for weeks and weeks. So that’s a load off my mind. We had lunch together, played Glow-in-the-dark Golf and wandered around Dick’s Sporting Goods. Mama and Don are ill, so getting the kiddo out of the house for the day was a blessing for them, I believe, and gave Person and I some much needed time with the little monster. :3

I bought some little wrist weights which I will use for my p90x workouts. I did about 1/3 of the arms workout today, but my cold is dragging me down and I just wasn’t capable today. I was less capable than usual, which is saying something!

Little else has been accomplished today, but I think I am okay with that. Tomorrow will mean a greater requirement for focus. Purely from a “number of tasks on the list” standpoint, I am at 5 of 41. Tomorrow I’d like to be at closer to 20, at the least. Which means a lot of homework, a workout, and some income-producing work. Oh my!

Signing off. It’s 9:30ish and I really just want to watch a movie and cuddle. Now that the Cymbalta is wearing off, I’m learning to adjust to full-fledged fibro pain flares, and now I am remembering why I started the Cymbalta in the first place.

 

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