Some days, I just really need to scream. To effing scream. There’s no place to do it here, so I just bottle it up inside and try so, so very hard not to let anyone know how much it hurts. But sometimes I get a little too overwhelmed, it builds up a little too much, and I break down just a little, and I yell at someone, or say a bad word, or give some other indicator that I’m troubled.
And nine times out of ten? It falls on deaf ears. Completely. Because perhaps the problem with anxiety disorders and depression is that the reason you snap is never the actual reason you’re hurting.
I just snapped at person and he has no idea why. No, of course not, because I snapped at him over something completely innocuous. He invited me to the computer room to play WoW, and I find myself logged in successfully for the first time in days, weeks? And not five minutes later, he leaves the room without warning, without word. And I sit there confused. Saddened. So after a few moments I just shrug and get up and go back to what I’m doing, homework and laptop and all those things.
But then he’s upset at me, apparently I was supposed to know he wanted me to call him back over if our battleground popped.
But he didn’t say this, or anything else actually, he just walked away, busied himself with other things. Left me there confused.
So I snapped at him, yelled, told him I was cancelling my WoW subscription.
I’m going to take a break from paying $16 a month for a game I haven’t been playing, because the Internet hasn’t been cooperating with my ability to play for weeks, and I’ve been too busy to play anyway.. and I just don’t know what I’m paying for anymore. I don’t really have $16 to throw at a game I’m getting no pleasure out of playing anymore. I can put my sub on hold and pick it up again later. Maybe in the summer, which is when I believe the new expansion drops. Warlords of Draenor. Mmmm.
The other day Person made a comment about how I was bored of WoW, and I’m not. I’m really not. It’s just, when the Internet on the computer you’re using is so erratic you can’t play with other people without lagging out, when you’re really only good for grinding professions, and just barely at that.. It’s really not enjoyable anymore.
And any time anything causes me to cry, it’s time to step back and re-evaluate.
So, break time from World of Warcraft. I cannot believe I’m saying that. A year ago, WoW was my way to deal with anxiety and pain. Whenever I was feeling miserable I’d disappear into WoW and not stress about things so much. Now I think it’s exacerbating my pain and anxiety and stress instead. So that’s that.
In other, completely unrelated news, I accomplished a few things today.
- I did my first weekly weigh in. Person, A, D and I are doing a weight loss challenge thing. We started a week ago and weighed in this morning. Person lost 3lbs, and the other three of us lost between 1.4lbs and 1.9lbs each. It’s a start.
- I finished an epic ton of homework today, including several quizzes in Cost Accounting which I scored 100% on. This pleases me. Now I am working on a big income tax final project thing, which involves doing the complete comprehensive tax return for an imaginary person.
- I completed a p90x workout this morning with Person, and I pushed myself harder than I had before. I really hurt after, I felt like I was going to throw up. I hope it will get easier for me, but I’m going to keep pushing myself harder.
- I made another pair of earrings. They look like this:
Now I am going to buckle down and attempt to make some money. ^.^