Days like this, I’m really just floating through the world. I tossed and turned and stirred all night, my numbers were all off this morning, and I was never really able to correct all the things wrong with my brain or my body as the day went on. Now it’s 8:19pm, I’m getting ready to put the kiddos down for the night, and I realize I’ve sat here for the past hour accomplishing nothing but essentially just feeling sorry for myself. From the moment I woke up this morning I was surrounded by my own bad energy, sort of just stewing in my stress and depression.
I went on my usual coffee run, my friend Jimmy and I have been going every morning for a little over a month now, and he questioned me about what was going on, and I told him that I thought I might be ending things with my Person, but I couldn’t articulate why, because I honestly didn’t know. So much transpired in such a small amount of time, and I was feeling down on myself and overwhelmed, and like perhaps this wasn’t the right thing for me anymore. So much has changed in the past couple of years, and suddenly I just felt.. so lost.
We’ve been trying to talk things out today, mostly through text because I’m feeling really weak around him. I’ve tried to get some work and school done, but been distracted, pretty much all over the place all day. I think we’re making sense of it, but at the same time, I think we’re uncovering wounds we didn’t know where there.
Eight days into my little project, and all I’ve really come to understand so far is that I don’t know who I am at all.
Maybe someday I’ll find myself.