It’s just shy of 1:00pm and I’m working on my second giant coffee of the day, trying to get my brain to a more usable state while I alternate between writing work and homework. I’m feeling very overwhelmed today, knowing I have so much on my plate and am dragging, lagging, procrastinating and just plain struggling with everything I’ve put in front of me.
– Many hours pass. It is now 8:18pm ….
A couple of things transpired today that I am kicking around inside my head, really just trying to make sense of them while battling the brain fogs. Honestly, the most important thing on my plate all day today has been a game on my iPhone, because I just can’t wrap my brain around bigger things. I did make a few bucks working, and I did accomplish a small amount of homework, and I did pretty much have my eye on the kids all day, but not much else got done. Okay, maybe I filed my taxes. That was something, right?
That was one of the big things that happened today. I filed my taxes amidst an argument with my husband. I’ve been separated since 2009 after marrying in 2008, and we really only fight and cause one another grief these days. He elected to file separately this year, but only told me as he filed rather than before. I had not planned to file my own taxes this year, and so the stress sent me into a tailspin. The tailspin I wrote about last night, actually, the one that sent me to bed feeling sick and in pain. So yesterday I set about filling out the tax filing information, and found that due to being 1099, I owed $6700 in Federal and $67 in state taxes.
I just about completely lost my mind. Unfortunately, feeling so much stress and anxiety really messes up my body. My fibromyalgia and gastroparesis both flared up, my blood sugar spiked. I ended up taking a sleeping pill and going to bed. Today was essentially about aftershocks. My sugar was 140 this morning, my body has been aching deeply all day, with intermittent electric pains and stabs throughout my nerves. My stomach has been a mess, though luckily I was able to keep everything down today, including coffee. Yay. Small victories.
[The rest of this blog post is about polyamory and kink. If this doesn’t jive with you, don’t read anymore. 😉 Otherwise, click the little “Read More” button down there!]
I’m also wrestling with my current relationship, though not in any traditional way. I live a polyamorous lifestyle, meaning that I am not opposed to multiple relationships and partners, though I am not actively engaging in multiple relationships. My primary partner, a man I am not afraid to say I am thoroughly in love with, does have additional partners who I occasionally interact with. Neither of them are fond of me, though for different reasons, and this often causes issues. Mainly the issues come down to my own personal insecurities about myself, because I hate being hated. I want everyone to like me, or love me, or at least tolerate me, and these two women struggle with the notion. I am a huge fan of compersion; I derive great pleasure from my partner’s pleasure, and so I have no qualms with him seeing other women. My problem rests squarely in the fact that they don’t like me. One of them has come to a place of tolerance, at least, and we can be in the same room as one another, be cordial, and everything seems fine. The other one is more or less avoiding me like the plague, and even more so, seems to be trying to cause problems for me. I have an inkling about why she doesn’t like me, but I think it’s all based on unfounded claims and completely unnecessary drama, leading me to wish she’d let it go. For his sake at the least.
I go out of my way to bring him pleasure. It’s the role I play. His pleasure means the world to me. This means making sacrifices, this means dealing with the negativity and the drama when it comes. Unfortunately, this individual doesn’t seem to feel the same way I do. I’m not sure if she feels more entitled to his attention than me, or what goes through her mind exactly, but alas, she believes that she deserves him to be hers, to focus on her, and so she pulls him away from me, says rude things about me, refuses to play nice. It’s aggravating.
Since I came to be in this relationship, the sole reason I moved to Saratoga Springs, NY from Oceanside, California, I have made sacrifices, and I have contended with people who do not like me. I have remained as strong as possible, stood up to the people who tried to beat me down, and I have come a long way as a result. After everything I’ve gone through in the past couple of years, I really wish it would stop now so I could just focus on loving, being loved and serving. I don’t view these women as insignificant, but their relationships with him should not have any bearing on my relationship with him. Their existence in his life is insignificant to me, or it should be, and so I wish they would stop trying to undermine me and my existence in his life, unless they want to recognize that turnabout is fair play. 🙁
That’s my rant for the night. It’s only 8:27pm but I’m exhausted. I am so ready for bed.