Hullo, how are you? Let’s pretend someone is reading this entry. Let’s pretend that someone is a good friend. I am well, just going through the usual things. In all honesty, my life is pretty routine. It’s not always the routine I want, but I do crave routine. I do thrive on it. So even when I sort of struggle with what’s going on around me in my life, it could almost certainly be worse.

Today I am really trying to look at the world in a very specific way. I am trying to seek out silver linings and positives to everything, because if I don’t I’m going to fall into a hole. I don’t want to settle with “I have fibromyalgia.” It could certainly be worse. I am not actively dying any quicker than anyone else. I do not have cancer. I do not have a serious, irreparable, untreatable disease. Even when things are really bad, when my body hurts so bad I’m in tears, I can’t sleep, at least my skin isn’t sloughing off. At least I can still see and hear and touch and taste. I have a lot to feel blessed about. I have many reasons to smile in my life. I have to remember this in the dark moments, the tired moments, the exasperated moments.

There’s someone in my life right now who seems to honestly believe that everything in the world is suck and there is nothing to be happy about. This makes me sad, considering how I wake up every morning and how he wakes up every morning. I don’t understand how someone who is young and healthy can be so depressed. I imagine that people who have things worse than I do wonder how I can complain as much as I do. After all, it’s only fibromyalgia. It’s only diabetes. I’m not actively dying. I still have all my limbs. I’m in a pretty good place in life.

The past twelve days have been filled with many ups and downs. This journey has been all about trying to understand myself better, and while I feel like there is still a very long way for me to go, I have taken some huge steps. Coming off of the Cymbalta a few days ago is still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I feel clear and awake and alive today, no longer a zombie. This may mean I have to deal with more pain, it may mean that I have to wake up aching and stiff, it may mean I need to take things more slowly and work with fewer spoons, but I’m still making great strides in my life and I’m not going to look back.

Here are some of the highlights of my past few days:

  • Last night I had dinner with a lot of really great people, including some close friends. I made some new friends, and I received several comments from people who were happy to see me after the fact.
  • I am on day four of quitting Cymbalta cold turkey, and while I am struggling with brain zaps and fatigue, I am still trucking.
  • I made a really neat “Pounds Lost” and “Pounds To Go” jar thingy that I am proud of, even though it was really simple to do. It’s a great visual representation of my progress. I’m going to post a picture later at some point.
  • I have a refrigerator full of Odwalla, Naked and Bolthouse drinks, fruit, yogurt, string cheese and other yummy things as I work on being healthier.
  • I have lost 4lbs. They were pounds I’ve been kicking around for some time, so they’re not real weight loss, but it was the jumping off point for my weight loss progress and I’m really proud of myself for taking the first steps.

Now I’m off to get some work and homework done. I had to pass up my workout today (p90x) because I’m having pain in my back and leg after some sparring yesterday, and my diet is a little wonky since I am dealing with a headache, dizziness and general feelings of yuck, but I have not fallen off track and tomorrow is another day.

 

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