In truth, there’s nothing uncharacteristic about this day. Today is just like every other day in my life, a little good, a little bad, a few health issues and some massive exhaustion. From the moment I woke up this morning I’ve felt very poorly, first with the all-over aching which tells me a lot about how being hit by a car might feel. The stomach issues kick in before I’ve even had my pills or breakfast, with heartburn and nausea setting in far too early.
It takes me an hour just to get out of bed and to the computer, and another half hour to take my meds and start crunching saltines for breakfast. Saltines. for breakfast. Yes, that’s how I roll. My diabetes is not happy about it. I’m not even sure if I remembered to check my blood sugar this morning. Probably not.
I did a little gaming, briefly touched my work and homework, then had something completely ridiculous set off my mood, and by 11:30am or so I was back in bed. I did not emerge from bed until 3:30 or so, and now it’s 4:15 and I am thinking about going back.
My stomach is upset, my head is pounding, I am depressed beyond reason and when I try to find reason I only become more depressed. I want nothing to do with anything or anyone. I’ve just about ended every relationship I’m in because I just want to be left the hell alone. I still am not sure why. When typical people don’t feel well, don’t they want to be surrounded by love and affection? I just feel like being left the heck alone.
I feel like I’m falling. I feel like the past few months have been about tumbling out of control, completely losing my footing and just going headlong over a cliff. Every so often maybe I get a hold on the side and lift myself up a bit, but there’s only more falling, and I’ve fallen much further than I can reasonably make back up. I’m struggling to pay my bills, I’m struggling to get my homework done, all because I am in a constant state of not feeling well. At this point, I almost don’t care. Wondering if I’ll have an apartment by January, or if I’ll finish out this semester.. those are things I used to care about, but they were higher up on the cliff and I’ve fallen much, much further now.
At this point I don’t know if the depression is exacerbating the health issues, or if it’s the other way around, but even on a good day I’m too flat-out exhausted to give a damn. I don’t even talk about it much, except to say “health issues” or “I’m not feeling well today” and I’d say most people in my life have absolutely no clue I’m struggling with soul crushing depression. Well, the cat is out of the bag now. Surprise.
Is this my life now? How do I get out?