Day Twelve: Ebbs and Flows

Hullo, how are you? Let’s pretend someone is reading this entry. Let’s pretend that someone is a good friend. I am well, just going through the usual things. In all honesty, my life is pretty routine. It’s not always the routine I want, but I do crave routine. I do thrive on it. So even when I sort of struggle with what’s going on around me in my life, it could almost certainly be worse.

Today I am really trying to look at the world in a very specific way. I am trying to seek out silver linings and positives to everything, because if I don’t I’m going to fall into a hole. I don’t want to settle with “I have fibromyalgia.” It could certainly be worse. I am not actively dying any quicker than anyone else. I do not have cancer. I do not have a serious, irreparable, untreatable disease. Even when things are really bad, when my body hurts so bad I’m in tears, I can’t sleep, at least my skin isn’t sloughing off. At least I can still see and hear and touch and taste. I have a lot to feel blessed about. I have many reasons to smile in my life. I have to remember this in the dark moments, the tired moments, the exasperated moments.

There’s someone in my life right now who seems to honestly believe that everything in the world is suck and there is nothing to be happy about. This makes me sad, considering how I wake up every morning and how he wakes up every morning. I don’t understand how someone who is young and healthy can be so depressed. I imagine that people who have things worse than I do wonder how I can complain as much as I do. After all, it’s only fibromyalgia. It’s only diabetes. I’m not actively dying. I still have all my limbs. I’m in a pretty good place in life.

The past twelve days have been filled with many ups and downs. This journey has been all about trying to understand myself better, and while I feel like there is still a very long way for me to go, I have taken some huge steps. Coming off of the Cymbalta a few days ago is still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I feel clear and awake and alive today, no longer a zombie. This may mean I have to deal with more pain, it may mean that I have to wake up aching and stiff, it may mean I need to take things more slowly and work with fewer spoons, but I’m still making great strides in my life and I’m not going to look back.

Here are some of the highlights of my past few days:

  • Last night I had dinner with a lot of really great people, including some close friends. I made some new friends, and I received several comments from people who were happy to see me after the fact.
  • I am on day four of quitting Cymbalta cold turkey, and while I am struggling with brain zaps and fatigue, I am still trucking.
  • I made a really neat “Pounds Lost” and “Pounds To Go” jar thingy that I am proud of, even though it was really simple to do. It’s a great visual representation of my progress. I’m going to post a picture later at some point.
  • I have a refrigerator full of Odwalla, Naked and Bolthouse drinks, fruit, yogurt, string cheese and other yummy things as I work on being healthier.
  • I have lost 4lbs. They were pounds I’ve been kicking around for some time, so they’re not real weight loss, but it was the jumping off point for my weight loss progress and I’m really proud of myself for taking the first steps.

Now I’m off to get some work and homework done. I had to pass up my workout today (p90x) because I’m having pain in my back and leg after some sparring yesterday, and my diet is a little wonky since I am dealing with a headache, dizziness and general feelings of yuck, but I have not fallen off track and tomorrow is another day.

 

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Tiny Gardens

One of my greatest passions is growing things, but I’ve struggled with putting down roots in any sense because I’ve not stuck around in a single place for a while. When I signed the lease on my apartment last spring, one of the first things that I absolutely had to do was to buy a bunch of silly container gardening kits. Little plant starters in a variety of colors and styles. And I grew those babies until I had plants exploding out of everywhere.

Unfortunately, spending a lot of time in my apartment was a short-term endeavor. Over time, I spent increasing amounts of time at His home, and my plants slowly died. The cold of the winter claimed my final plant, a very stunning little Coleus which I still mourn.

Flowering Coleus

Flowering Coleus

With the spring coming, I have once again been bitten by the tiny-gardening bug, and this time I have even grander plans. I am still trying to decide if I want to primarily grow here at His house, or at my own. Planting at my own home will obviously require that I make a commitment to my apartment, and in truth, I’m struggling to make that commitment right now. Though I pay monthly rent there, I spend very little time there. In the past couple of months I have essentially been paying for a storage unit with a mailbox. Perhaps the spring is time for that to change. Perhaps I should grow a garden so that I have a reason to go home, to be home. Something of my very own.

Roots.

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Purple Passion Plant

It’s just a start, right now. I am growing a potato plant from an actual potato, a new baby Coleus and a little carrot greenhouse. I also have this purple passion plant, which is actually fuzzy.. somehow. It’s my own little window garden, sitting in the kitchen. I hope it grows. I hope that it becomes something spectacular. Perhaps this is the project I have been needing.

Newborn Coleus

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Day Ten: Lost Time

Day nine was nothing. I’m not sure it even happened. Whatever may have transpired, it’s all gone from my mind now. What I do know is that I stopped taking the antidepressant I use to combat fibromyalgia symptoms, something I am really not supposed to do without physician supervision and slowly stepping down the dosage. But I’m some 36 hours into the Cymbalta withdrawal process, which most people will admit is no laughing matter. One surprising side effect is that I have absolutely no appetite today. None. I am struggling to drink an Atkins breakfast shake thing because my blood sugar is in the 80s and that’s a sign I need to put *something* in me.

So I managed to polish off the Atkins shake, a little coffee and then a banana. Immediately I began to feel better, and I managed to get something else in me, which was an Odwalla protein shake. Since I am doing Weight Watchers POINTS going forward, my current points total as of 3:53pm is 13/38. Goodness.

There are going to be a couple of changes going forward, not that anyone is currently reading to notice. First and foremost:

  1. I’m going to combine my Twitter and my blog so I can tweet about little stupid things and blog about the rest.
  2. I’m going to blog every night with a summary of the day, and it’ll be something I work on all day.
  3. I’m going to do more blogs to talk about what I’m up to. I should blog about jewelry making, workouts, gardening and other things I really like so I’m not always just whining about life and my health.

I’m cutting this short because I’m leaving in 4 minutes for therapy. I’ll definitely post more later.

 

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Day Eight: Doubting and Questioning

Days like this, I’m really just floating through the world. I tossed and turned and stirred all night, my numbers were all off this morning, and I was never really able to correct all the things wrong with my brain or my body as the day went on.  Now it’s 8:19pm, I’m getting ready to put the kiddos down for the night, and I realize I’ve sat here for the past hour accomplishing nothing but essentially just feeling sorry for myself. From the moment I woke up this morning I was surrounded by my own bad energy, sort of just stewing in my stress and depression.

I went on my usual coffee run, my friend Jimmy and I have been going every morning for a little over a month now, and he questioned me about what was going on, and I told him that I thought I might be ending things with my Person, but I couldn’t articulate why, because I honestly didn’t know. So much transpired in such a small amount of time, and I was feeling down on myself and overwhelmed, and like perhaps this wasn’t the right thing for me anymore. So much has changed in the past couple of years, and suddenly I just felt.. so lost.

We’ve been trying to talk things out today, mostly through text because I’m feeling really weak around him. I’ve tried to get some work and school done, but been distracted, pretty much all over the place all day. I think we’re making sense of it, but at the same time, I think we’re uncovering wounds we didn’t know where there.

Eight days into my little project, and all I’ve really come to understand so far is that I don’t know who I am at all.

Maybe someday I’ll find myself.

 

 

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Day Seven: a Bit of a Brain Dump

It’s just shy of 1:00pm and I’m working on my second giant coffee of the day, trying to get my brain to a more usable state while I alternate between writing work and homework. I’m feeling very overwhelmed today, knowing I have so much on my plate and am dragging, lagging, procrastinating and just plain struggling with everything I’ve put in front of me.

– Many hours pass. It is now 8:18pm ….

A couple of things transpired today that I am kicking around inside my head, really just trying to make sense of them while battling the brain fogs. Honestly, the most important thing on my plate all day today has been a game on my iPhone, because I just can’t wrap my brain around bigger things. I did make a few bucks working, and I did accomplish a small amount of homework, and I did pretty much have my eye on the kids all day, but not much else got done. Okay, maybe I filed my taxes. That was something, right?

That was one of the big things that happened today. I filed my taxes amidst an argument with my husband. I’ve been separated since 2009 after marrying in 2008, and we really only fight and cause one another grief these days. He elected to file separately this year, but only told me as he filed rather than before. I had not planned to file my own taxes this year, and so the stress sent me into a tailspin. The tailspin I wrote about last night, actually, the one that sent me to bed feeling sick and in pain. So yesterday I set about filling out the tax filing information, and found that due to being 1099, I owed $6700 in Federal and $67 in state taxes.

I just about completely lost my mind. Unfortunately, feeling so much stress and anxiety really messes up my body. My fibromyalgia and gastroparesis both flared up, my blood sugar spiked. I ended up taking a sleeping pill and going to bed. Today was essentially about aftershocks. My sugar was 140 this morning, my body has been aching deeply all day, with intermittent electric pains and stabs throughout my nerves. My stomach has been a mess, though luckily I was able to keep everything down today, including coffee. Yay. Small victories.

[The rest of this blog post is about polyamory and kink. If this doesn’t jive with you, don’t read anymore. 😉 Otherwise, click the little “Read More” button down there!]

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Day Six: Flare-Up Phenomenon

On occasion, I throw myself into such a tailspin with things like stress and anxiety, I actually unconsciously exacerbate my health conditions. Today I am contending with one such situation. It started in my fingers, with piercing pains, which soon spread up my arms and down my sides. Within an hour I was in full body pain, every inch of me from the chin down erupting in static shocks and piercing pains. My stomach began to act up shortly after, pressure in my stomach and esophagus causing difficulty swallowing and breathing. The physiological issues exacerbate the anxiety and depression, which exacerbates the physiological issues in kind, and I fall deeper and deeper into the tailspin until I have no other option than to make my meds and go to bed.

I planned on writing something more tonight, but there’s nothing left in me. I am completely depleted. I am going to bed.

 

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Day Five: Trying to Get on Track

Five days in to my little project and I am still feeling very much like things are out of my control. What this means is that I need to find and repair the little breaks and tears, build a stronger foundation and soldier on. I cannot let my life get out of my control any more than it already is, and I cannot keep functioning with things as out of control as they have been.

I switched my insulin to mornings and it wasn’t the best idea. For whatever reason my sugar prior to giving insulin was 171 this morning, and I am not okay with this. Tonight I’ll administer at night like I used to, and I hope that the slightly-overlapping dosage will help correct the highs. If all goes as planned, tomorrow morning my sugar will be better and going forward I’ll have a little more control.

(This is probably the most boring post you’ve ever read. Haha, like anyone is actually reading this …)

In truth, I’m feeling very lost today. I’m feeling like I don’t know where I’m going. There are definitely some things missing from my life, and it’s time to pinpoint what they are and make change. I accomplished very little today. I ended up taking a rest day on the squats and push ups, not because my body needed it but because I just didn’t want to.

It’s only 8:00pm (I’ve been working on this blog post for hours..) but I am going to bed. I have already taken all three hundred of my medications, it’s time to crash.

 

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