Day Four: Sleeping

I slept last night as if I had never been unwell, crashing shortly after my head hit the pillow and sleeping almost entirely through the night. I woke up twice but not for very long, and slept until after 7am. I even went further and took a nap this afternoon, much needed and well appreciated.

I am down 4lbs in 4 days and I hope that it lasts. Not the steep weight loss, but that they actually stay off. I continued my squats and push ups, I was supposed to have a rest day but skipped it because my body is really enjoying the activity. Another fair day with regards to blood sugar. I can’t complain with a 130-150 average but I would *prefer* lower.

I’m feeling really vulnerable today. Can’t tell if it’s from the body stuff (fibro, fatigue) or energy (weather, planets, other people’s stress) or totally internal, but man everything is weighing me down. I didn’t accomplish much, barely even turned on my computer. I guess I needed a day like this to reset and recharge.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Moving forward. Four days down, 86 to go.

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Day Three: My Person Returns

Everything feels half-done today. It’s 9:30am, and at nearly-seven tonight my person will be returning from his trip overseas. And I am absolutely elated, but also feeling a bit overwhelmed in the preparations. Trying to keep myself sane by keeping myself distracted.

Today the muscles in my legs ache, which is from the squat challenge. Today I will do 15 squats, and they will burn, and I will love it. Tomorrow is my first resting day, and I think I will need it. I also have to do 9 push ups today, which is a feat for me because my arms and back are not very strong. I like the diamond push ups, they seem to be easier on my wrists. I’m ranting, aren’t I?

I finally did sleep at 11pm last night, but I have been up since around 2:30am so it wasn’t much sleep. I think I will sleep better when my person returns. =)

On day 3, my sugar is fair (126 mg/dl) and I have lost 1 lb. It’s a start. Move forward. Make progress.

Here is a small list of agenda items for me to attend to, today. The little one, my pseudo-kiddo as it were, had a bad night with a cough so I will be attending to him too throughout the day.

  1. 9 Push Ups
  2. 15 Squats
  3. Finish Statistics homework assignment
  4. Finish Cost Accounting homework assignment
  5. Finish Business Ethics homework assignment
  6. Finish Writing work (Roughly 4000 words)
  7. Work on client website
  8. Straighten office
  9. Straighten bedroom/bathroom
  10. Laundry
  11. Get pretty ^.^
  12. Pick person up from the airport

Oh, so many things to do and only approximately 8 hours with which to do them. I’d better get started. =) Off to do squats!

 

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Day Two: Insomnia

As I’m writing this, it’s 12:50pm on a Sunday afternoon.  woke up yesterday, Saturday, at 7:00am. So in a few short minutes it will have been 30 hours that I have been awake and I am not entirely certain why.

I feel like perhaps, today, sleep is not meant to be my primary concern. I suppose that there are too many other things on my mind right now, so here I am: Sitting in front of my computer looking at homework, work, my blog and other  things. Thinking about the future. Obsessing about fitness. There’s really too, too much on my mind to do anything else but get it out in some way. Let’s start with this:

  1. Positive: I did my squats challenge and push ups challenge with Mandi. Today was 6 push ups and 12 squats.
  2. Negative: My sugar was 146 mg/dl this morning. This is not too bad for having not slept, but I do not like it this high.
  3. Positive: I accomplished a lot of homework last night and have a plan in place for accomplishing more today.
  4. Negative: I am struggling to maintain the necessary focus to accomplish regular work stuff (Writing.)

This is not the end of the things I need to attend to this week. I am making strides, but I’m not where I wish I were. I suppose this is a normal part of starting a new “plan,” not liking where you’re going at first. Because I really need to feel some semblance of control over my “creative life,” I’ve decided that each day I need to pick a creative endeavor to pursue, whether it be one of my personal writing projects, a jewelry project or one of my other business ideas. Today I really want to make something with my hands, and so I will be crafting some earrings in a little while. If anything positive comes from the work, I’ll post pictures tonight.

My person is away for the week due to family obligations, but due to return in approximately 29 hours. I am hoping to sleep more consistently when he returns.

 

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Momentum

One detail I have not touched on yet that I want to bring up is this: I have been on many journeys in the past and this is just one more. Starting over is hard. One key to not starting over is to refuse to quit. I sorely wish I had refused to quit all of those times before, but there’s really no going back now.

Before my diabetes and fibromyalgia diagnoses in 2012, I was on the road to health. The problem was, I had roadblocks and obstacles working against me that I wasn’t aware of. Once these diagnoses became clear to me, it realized that I was never going to become truly healthy no matter how much weight I lost because my disabilities were contributing to my weight loss in an unhealthy manner.

I gained weight in the process of getting healthy, due to many things including medications, dietary changes and setbacks. I gained from 195 to 240. Today I sit at 236, and I never want to hit 240 again. I never want to gain weight beyond where I’m at now, I only want to become healthier. I’m going to post some pictures that make me feel shy and terrible because I need to own it. I need to admit that I’m unhealthy, I need to be honest with myself about myself and my health. So here is a picture from my at my greatest weight, 370lbs, and a picture I took recently at ~240lbs.

ItsaStart

For future reference, the initial picture is from roughly 2007, which is right around when it is believed that I became diabetic. The second picture is from January of 2014. I have lost so much weight, but I have a long way to go. Now I am focusing on more than my pant size. I want to be healthy.

I am picking up momentum again, and this time I will not give up.

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Beginning: 90 Day Challenge

I can safely say two things about myself today:

  1. Every day I learn a little bit more about who I am.
  2. Every day I acknowledge a little more that I am not where I want to be.

I don’t want to take a pessimistic route with these points of understanding. I read a meaningful quote today, which read:

“A year from now you will wish you had started today..”       – Karen Lamb

Every day I wish I had started yesterday. Every day I wish I had started a week ago, a month ago, last year, when I was younger.

What I realize now is that I am tired of this hindsight mentality. It is time to move forward, to be positive, to create change.

Yesterday I proposed a 90 day challenge with a very good friend of mine, Mandi Raymond of Mommy Update. I told her to decide which goals she wanted to pursue, then pursue them for 90 days. The only real rule of the challenge is that we need to blog about it every day. 90 days of blogging will help us hold ourselves (and one another) accountable as we go. I think this is the best way to push forward.

So the first thing that I want to do, on Day One of this challenge, is to outline the goals I am setting for myself and a little bit about how I plan to achieve them, or at least to move forward with them if not to achieve them completely. Because setting a goal like “Lose 25 pounds” has an inherent flaw: If I don’t achieve it, I’ll be unhappy. If I realize it’s unachievable at some point, I might quit trying. I still prefer to set measurable goals such as this one, but with the caveat that I won’t give up if I’m not going to make it. Every step toward the goal is a positive one, even if my pace is not where I want it to be. Even if I won’t meet my goal on time. I’ll still push forward.

90 Day Challenge Goals

  1. Lose 30 lbs.
  2. Finish out the Spring semester of school.
  3. Finish one of my WIP novels.
  4. Get my jewelry-making business moving again.
  5. Pay off 50% of my credit card debt.

I tried to choose goals that impact different parts of my life. My health, my education, my work, my bills, my happiness. I don’t know if I’ll meet all five goals by the end of 90 days, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try with every ounce of everything I have. And if I accomplish one, or two, or three or five, I’ll be just as happy. I’ll feel just as accomplished. That’s my plan, and I’m sticking to it.

 

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Drafts

There are several drafts sitting in my “Posts,” some of them are empty but titled, others have a few words but nothing more. The posts never go anywhere, they just sit and collect dust. But what they tell me, sitting there all lined up waiting to be posted, is that on numerous occasions I had something I need to say, felt compelled to say, but did not end up saying for some reason or another.

What it means, ultimately, is that I am preventing myself from getting out feelings and words that need to come out.

On this very last day of February, months since my last post, I reached out to a very good friend of mine, also a blogger who has abandoned her post, and made a plea for a new project, a joint venture, a challenge. Blog every day for 90 days in an attempt to reach some goals. We both have several areas of our lives where we’re feeling unaccomplished. We’ve shelved projects, given up on dreams, and most importantly we’ve stopped taking care of ourselves in our quest to take care of everyone around us.

So tonight I proposed a change. There are only two rules to the game.

1. We will create a small collection of goals that we want to achieve in 90 days. They have to be realistic, reasonable goals.

2. We will blog every day for 90 days as we strive to achieve these goals. Our blogs will become our avenues for accountability, because we only have ourselves in the end.

I’m sitting at a borrowed desk, running on fumes and borrowed time (via coffee.) I haven’t been sleeping much, basically running myself to the point of exhaustion before I get a few hours. This is a dangerous game, considering what it does to my diabetes and fibromyalgia. Tonight I am vowing to get my thoughts down, to clear them from my head, so that I can hopefully find the rest I seek and start fresh tomorrow.

Tomorrow, March 1, will be day one of ninety. I have 90 days to make a change in my life.

I don’t know what I will be able to accomplish in this time. How much focus I’ll have. What impact I’ll have.

What I do know is that I’ll be blogging about it, I’ll be recording it, and hopefully THAT above all else will drive me to make change.

 

Hey look, new signature!

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December 13

December is typically a rough month for me. One of the best things that I can do during this time is to immerse myself in a myriad of distractions. One of the distractions I have decided to busy myself with is a weight loss challenge.

Because it is going to be December 2013, I have decided to see if I can lose 13lbs in a month. This is a pretty big number, but a few of those pounds are going to be water and other things I’m hanging onto. When I first start my weight loss challenge, I’m expecting to lose a few pounds very quickly, but I don’t want that inevitable loss to count toward my actual “effort.”

I’m formulating a plan, something that I need to fine tune over the next couple of days, but what I do know is this:

  • I’m going to cut my calorie intake down to ~1300 calories per day.
  • I’m going to have as much of this as possible be liquid calories of the nutritive variety, which means Atkins shakes and fruit/vegetable juices.
  • I am going to ride my exercise bike every day.
  • I am going to do a yoga practice every day, though the extent of the practice will vary depending on pain level.

Tomorrow I really want to do some “before” shots as well as to weigh and measure myself. I think being able to look at a “Before” page with at least one photo and a bunch of pertinent information is a great way to motivate myself going forward.

I am not hell bent on losing a bunch of weight, especially not in an unhealthy or unnatural manner. What I do know, however, is that I have gained some weight since my diabetes diagnosis, and that’s really not good for me. At the very least, I want to lose the weight I gained since my diagnosis, because I know I was doing well then. I weighed 195 and I was doing well, until July 2012, which is when the gaining started. I was on so many different meds, I feel like things became really messed up. Lately I have been weighing more like 225, and I am not happy.

I have a picture of what I looked like at 370lbs, and I never want to be there again. I was so unhealthy. I was dying. I was so sick I gave myself diabetes and fibromyalgia. I was so sick, I am still struggling with complications two years after my diagnosis, seven years after the diabetes developed in the first place. It took only five years to destroy my body beyond repair. I do not want to spend another day getting worse. I only want to heal from this day forward. I only want to improve.

 

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