Ask me on any typical day, and I’ll tell you that I’m polyamorous, and that polyamory is the most beneficial type of love for me. I love people, I love love, and I love the idea that different people lend different things to your life.
For the past month, my significant other and I have been courting a really amazing woman, someone who I fell hard and fast for. This may have been characteristic of me in the past, but I have been more cautious in recent years. Over the summer, especially, I had a very overwhelming experience involving a polyamorous relationship I was not allowed to be a part of. My significant other had a girlfriend who did not want anything to do with me. I was constantly left out, intentionally, and with malice. She wanted to have a life with him, without me. She tried to sabotage what I had with him, and in some ways she succeeded. My relationship with him suffered. I felt alone. I was not certain how long he and I would last, but I stayed as strong as I could, and I never left his side.
Things with that woman ended a little while back, and things with this new girl rushed upon me. I let my walls down even though I was terrified, and I welcomed her into my life and into my heart. Unfortunately, there are still wounds from the previous relationship, and sometimes they would rear their head at the worst possible time. The past few days have been rife with these anxieties, old wounds dredged up, and I was really hurting again. I tried to make these anxieties known, understood, but my cries seemed to fall on deaf ears, and neither of my significant others could fathom why I was so uncharacteristically upset.
Tonight something happened. She inadvertently conjured feelings that the previous woman conjured on many an occasion. She brought out my terrified, insecure, depressed side. I tried to make my fears known and understood, but once again my pleas fell on deaf ears. She simply couldn’t understand what I was trying to convey to her.
So I insisted upon a break from our “triad” dynamic and ran. I ran and hid in my comfort zone, something like a blanket fort inside my brain. I ran away because I could not deal with this again, I was not ready to think about the two people I cared about going and doing things without me. Not yet, not when the wounds were still so fresh. And she, perhaps misunderstanding my fears, assured me that I would have no say in their dynamic.
My heart broke.
So I ran to my little mental cupboard, tucked myself inside, and promised myself I’d wait it out, wait until the wounds were not so fresh, so painful.
Sometime later it was brought to my attention that she left a voicemail on his machine. She called us “abusive” and ended her relationship with us.
I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t know how I feel about anything.
I requested a break from my relationship with my significant other, something I have been carefully cultivating for just over two years now.
Now I’m hiding deeper in my hole, afraid to come out, afraid to trust people, afraid to even be near people.
I really can’t handle anything about life right now.
I loved her. I really, really loved her. Too much. The only person I’ve ever allowed into my heart this way is my primary significant other. No one has ever been allowed to hurt me like this.
I am without words. The pain in my heart is immeasurable.